To You
by ardavenport
Summary: It was Qui-Gon who was held prisoner on New Apsolom, instead of Tahl. A Qui-Gon and Tahl romance in short installments.
1. Chapter 1

**TO YOU**

(A Qui-Gon and Tahl romance in short installments)

by ardavenport

**/\\v/\\v/\\ He Lives /\\v/\\v/\\**

They finally let me into the room.

'His vital signs are dropping,' the doctor said. But he is only a doctor.

One of the medical people leads me in, but I push the arm away when I know we are close. I reach out and my hands touch the padded edge of a diagnostic table. Then I find him. The skin of his arm is cold and I cannot stop the sudden fear inside me. I brush past sensors and tubes and find his hair and face.

I am close enough to feel his breath on my lips. It is so faint. My fingers touch his mouth.

"Qui-Gon. . . ."

'The damage is severe,' the doctor said. Now I can feel it as I had not, as I would not hear in their voices when they finally came after working so long on him.

I feel his head move a tiny bit. He is weak. His great strength is gone, drained from him by the evil device he was imprisoned in for so long. It took so long to find him and the treachery in our midst. The betrayers are undone, but Qui-Gon . . . . there seems so little left of him.

"Tahl. . . ." he breathes. "I could not go without seeing you again."

"Stay," I plead. I have never begged for anything as I do now. "You came to me and told me my own feelings when I did not know them myself. You cannot go now." My eyes sting with tears. I press my forehead to his and they fall on him. "I pledge myself to you, Qui-Gon. You must stay."

I take everything I have inside me, my love, the Force, my own breath and I will it into him. It seems so small compared to the great strength that has always been Qui-Gon. There is so little left now that my blind eyes weep freely. There must be more. Just a little bit more. Just enough.

I feel movement and I know he feels what I feel. My hand goes to his chest; I search for the life left within him. He breathes in.

"Stay," I beg. "Please."

He breathes out.

He breathes in again.

It is a small motion of his body. But it is enough. His skin is wet and warmed under my tears.

He breathes out.

He breathes in.

I am frozen in place, breathing with him. I dare not move. Nothing else exists except for this. There is nothing else for a very long, long time. The Force is faint in him, but it stays.

Eventually there is motion around us. Medical sounds and then hands and voices. I will not be moved and the others move past me.

"Tahl?" The voice has been calling to me and I can no longer ignore it. "Please, the doctors need to put in a breathing tube. Let them help him." It is Qui-Gon's Padawan, Obi-Wan.

I lift my head and he pulls me away, his hands on my shoulders. I am startled when my hand no longer touches Qui-Gon's chest but Obi-Wan grabs my wrists; his grip is gentle but strong. Obi-Wan is so much bigger then I recall, almost man-sized. When did this happen?

"Tahl, please. They need to help him now." The voices of the medical people are no longer muffled. They have become efficient again amidst the beeps and buzzes of their machines. There are still doubts among them, but I know. . . .

. . . .Qui-Gon will live.


	2. Chapter 2

**TO YOU**

(A Qui-Gon and Tahl romance in short installments)

by ardavenport

**/\\v/\\v/\\ We Return /\\v/\\v/\\**

The medical people are still there, they and their machines and droids. They have just reconfigured themselves into a portable unit around Qui-Gon for the trip back to Coruscant.

Mace Windu came to New Apsolon to salvage the mission as much as it could be. The people I had come to help betrayed me for nothing more than political power. But I have no feelings left for them. Everything is for Qui-Gon now.

I take my seat in the ship's cabin. Bant, my Padawan, sits next to me. Mace Windu brought her with him. She has waited with me, with Obi-Wan, for the many days while Qui-Gon breathed until the doctors accepted that he would continue to do so and could be moved. We will finally return to Coruscant.

Bant is silent next to me, but I can feel her caring. She has remained silent, waiting for me. She has such patience. A Jedi's patience and a Jedi's heart. I never had such patience at her age. I offer smiles and kind words to her; she sees my concern for Qui-Gon, but the girl is too young to know how deep it goes. Bant and Obi-Wan are friends and they speak softly to each other away where I cannot hear the words. Most of the time. I leave them to comfort each other.

Behind us, I sense Qui-Gon, only half-aware in the medical cocoon they have wrapped around him, but he stubbornly still lives. I want to touch him, but we are belted in for the transition. But I know he can sense that I am near. Others have noted this as well. His heart would always beat stronger when I touched him. I told them it was the Force. But he never responded so strongly to Obi-Wan.

The ship jolts into hyperspace.


	3. Chapter 3

**TO YOU**

(A Qui-Gon and Tahl romance in short installments)

by ardavenport

**/\\v/\\v/\\ I Feel Him /\\v/\\v/\\**

The Council reprimands me for not calling for assistance sooner for the failed mission on New Apsolon. The planet is still in turmoil; the Jedi can do little for them now. I grieve for the friends lost there, the ones dead and still living, but I accept that I can do no more for them.

The Council suggests that I abstain from taking any more missions for a time. I humbly agree. I show only calm, outward and inward. I have left the Council chamber and descend down into the Temple before I allow myself to feel joy. I will stay with him.

I go to the med center. I have memorized the whole immense Temple, the lifts answer to my commands and the Force is strong throughout. I always know where I am. People know better than to offer me assistance or pity.

There is a healer now, Leona, with him. Droids and physicians and machines will fix the body. But Qui-Gon needs to heal. She speaks with a gentle voice as she tells him what she will do, what he must do. She only briefly pauses to acknowledge me before going on. She has a healing voice. I listen carefully, hearing with the Force so my own voice will know the tones I will use.

I reach for him. My fingertips touch an arm. Then they slide down and I cover his hand. I feel a responding twitch. I slide my fingers under his hand and squeeze it. I feel the lightest pressure in return. My fingers, nimble and strong, are only large enough to curl around the edge of his hand. His strength is still gone, but he lives. I know it will return to him. He is Qui-Gon.

Leona continues speaking. His bodily functions are recovering, but there is terrible nerve damage everywhere. It will be a very long time before he will be able to move normally again; probably he will never fully regain his old strength. But she does not know Qui-Gon as I do.

I long to see his face, denied to me for years now since I lost my sight. He can see me, my thoughts written on my face, but I must always feel for him. I want to touch his face, the only intimacy available to me, but I hold back in the presence of another person.

I can feel him through the Force. I know when he sees me. I know the smell of his body, the touch of his skin, his long hair through my fingers. Yet we are strangely apart. He cannot move or speak and I cannot see and there are always others with him, so I cannot speak as well.

We pledged ourselves to each other on New Apsolon, before he was taken and so cruelly abused. But attachments such as that are forbidden to Jedi. Yet we have one life together now.

For now, we remain near each other, but separated.


	4. Chapter 4

**TO YOU**

(A Qui-Gon and Tahl romance in short installments)

by ardavenport

**/\\v/\\v/\\ I Stay /\\v/\\v/\\**

Master Yoda has noticed my . . . . devotion to Qui-Gon's recovery. Though Obi-Wan visits Qui-Gon as often as I do, Yoda has detected a different intensity in my interest. I cringe inside. Perhaps if I still had my sight I would have been able to hide it better. Perhaps not.

I say as little as possible to Yoda's inquiries. Mercifully, he does not ask for anything too specific. But I hear his thoughtful grumbling down at my knee level. Attachments are forbidden to Jedi and Yoda is a member of the Jedi Council. If he knew, there would be questions and actions and a need to enforce the Jedi Code. They would keep us apart. My thoughts float above the dark chasm of this possibility. I dare not feel the fear. Yoda would know and then it would become real. I would be totally alone. . . . and Qui-Gon. . . . .we would be surrounded by our aloneness together. Distance could not change that, an attachment they could never break, unless death intervened.

Yoda politely suggests that I might resume going on missions again. I politely decline. I feel I should stay and I confess to feeling responsible for Qui-Gon's condition. This is a mistake. Yoda advises that I let go of this attachment to past failure, to guilt. What has happened has happened. I fear that he will suggest that I leave Qui-Gon to the healer and meditate on my guilt alone.

But he says nothing more about it.

Yoda asks about my Padawan, Bant, who is training with Master Tyasmiss, who is also training Obi-Wan Kenobi while Qui-Gon recovers. They work well together. I point out that I have always needed assistance in training my Padawan. Without my sight, I cannot teach her some things. It is no different now.

I have never, ever used my blindness to defend my position. But I freely do so now, if it will deflect Yoda's interest in my affairs. Then he says something that I do not understand.

"Wait for you, she will. Hope you are worthy, I do."


	5. Chapter 5

**TO YOU**

(A Qui-Gon and Tahl romance in short installments)

by ardavenport

**/\\v/\\v/\\ I Touch Him /\\v/\\v/\\**

Healer Leona has many duties in the Temple. There are other injured Jedi. She has a Padawan of her own and she teaches others as well. And Qui-Gon is a great deal of work. I have offered to help, if Leona will teach me. She has accepted.

Qui-Gon's internal injuries have been repaired; he has feeling in all his extremities now, but he can move them very little, with even less control. He needs to be tended, bathed, turned, moved, fed, changed and dressed. There are droids for the difficult and mundane tasks. But that is just for maintenance of the body. Leona will direct the healing of Qui-Gon's connection to the Force and through that is the hope that he will recover at least some of his mobility. No droid could do that.

Jedi connect to the Force through their bodies and their senses, but Qui-Gon's are so damaged he needs to re-learn this. Leona teaches him. She places her hands on his head, or arms or legs and speaks softly, leading Qui-Gon in a deep meditation to share what she feels through the Force. Then she moves her hands, using the Force only, leading Qui-Gon to move with her. Usually it works, sometimes it does not and sometimes Qui-Gon's body spasms. But the exercise needs to be done over and over again, to teach Qui-Gon to draw strength from the Force, through his wounded body so it may learn how to heal itself. No medical droid, no bacta, no medicine known can do this. After several tries, Qui-Gon is exhausted and needs to sleep and then eat and more before trying again.

Leona will still see Qui-Gon each day, but I (and Leona tells me Obi-Wan as well) will lead him in this exercise the rest of the time. The more he works at it, the better his chances for recovery.

I participate in the exercise with Leona twice before she observes me working with Qui-Gon alone. I can feel the strength in him, focused, intense, but also weak and disconnected. Qui-Gon needs to put his whole self into just moving one leg. But I feel his gladness for this small success like a sudden cool breeze on a hot day. He wants more of this. I start again, but Leona stops me.

She takes my hands and lays them on Qui-Gon's forehead. Now I sense his weariness overtaking his desire to continue. Leona lays her hand on his stomach and tells him to rest. A moment later he falls into sleep, spent. She tells me that we work well together, better than she hoped, but she admonishes me to beware of doing too much, too soon. He is still fragile enough to hurt himself. I stroke his hair and agree to be mindful.


	6. Chapter 6

**TO YOU**

(A Qui-Gon and Tahl romance in short installments)

by ardavenport

**/\\v/\\v/\\ He Speaks /\\v/\\v/\\**

Most of the time there is someone with us, Leona or Obi-Wan or Bant or someone else to visit or another healer. But sometimes we are alone when I work with Qui-Gon on his exercises. The first time we were alone, he grabbed my hand with his fleeting moment of strength and I feel his thoughts entirely on me. Wordless love and gratitude flowed from him so intensely that he completely wore himself out. I could not meditate after that anyway. I sat with my head on his shoulder while he slept.

It has been half a season since New Apsolon. Qui-Gon's beard has gotten long. His mustache had to be trimmed because it was difficult to feed him with it too long. But when I stroke his beard and hair and ask if he wants them cut as well, he twitches his head in a negative. I suppose his beard must look a bit shaggy, but it feels the same when I run my fingers through it, just longer.

Qui-Gon can now sit up on his own and move his arms and legs, though he is still too weak to stand or feed himself. He gains strength very, very slowly and he has gotten thin from the inactivity. I can feel the loss of muscle, the more prominent bones as I run my hands over his arms and legs, hips and shoulders. He twitches if I linger anywhere. He knows that I have noticed.

He can make sounds but no words. And he is embarrassed by the uncontrolled noises he makes, so he stays silent. But I want him to speak. I am selfish. I wish to hear his voice. Without my sight, I listen for every sound he makes. I lean close to inhale his scent. I touch him, but he can only haltingly touch me back. I want his voice.

I am sitting close, my hand on his throat, the other on his lips. There is nothing else but us. There is a warmth and a glow that I can see only with my mind beneath my fingertips. He sees and feels the same. I take my hand from his throat. I reach for his hand. He has only recently begun to feel the Force through his fingers which I now press to my neck.

I lean close.

"Qui-Gon." I speak his name, a call for him to answer me.

His lips move. He exhales, but with no sound.

"Qui-Gon," I say.

"Uuuuh." There is sound this time, then, "Bant."

I hear a noise behind me.


	7. Chapter 7

**TO YOU**

(A Qui-Gon and Tahl romance in short installments)

by ardavenport

**/\\v/\\v/\\ I Ask /\\v/\\v/\\**

I am blind.

My Padawan sits before me in my room. She is fearful of what I will say. I am shamed by this. We eat meals together; we meditate every day. I know what training I give her, what she learns from Master Tyasmiss with Obi-Wan. But I feel like I know nothing at all.

When Qui-Gon had one word in him, he spoke my Padawan's name. Not mine. My memory flies back to the arguments Qui-Gon and I had, before we knew our hearts. He always thought that I was neglecting Bant.

I have not been with Qui-Gon today.

I did not go to him yesterday.

I did not go to him the day before that.

I was angry that he would use the little strength he had to bring back something so petty. But. . . .

. . . . I did not know that Bant was behind me then, with Obi-Wan.

I was deep in the healing meditation with Qui-Gon. I was distracted. But I did not know my own Padawan's presence when she was near. I do not even know what she looks like. She is a gentle presence with a young voice and she is an earnest and innocent learner. But I have an image of others inside me that makes them real to me. Anyone I have met since I lost my sight is a shadow, a half presence in my mind.

Bant is still waiting.

"I believe there is something missing between us, my Padawan."

"Yes, Master," she answers quietly. I sense a note of hope in her. She always answers with words or a sound to me. She is always available to my senses. Her movements, her scent, her voice are her presence, but there is more that I have long neglected.

I lift my hands to her.

"May I?"

"Yes, Master," she answers with more hope this time.

I feel the soft, moist skin, the wide mouth, turned downward, the large nostrils over it. The eyes, blinking on either side where a Human's ears would be. This makes me smile. I don't know why. My fingers glide over the prominence of her smooth head. There are few soft bumps. I have never touched Bant, just to know her. Her salty scent will linger on my hands. Would that be so bad?

She bows her head. I withdraw my hands, but she takes them in her long, thin webbed fingers.

"Master, may I?" she asks.

"Yes," I say, breathless.

Her cool fingers touch my face. I know she has her eyes closed, to feel what I feel.

'I have been blind', I think. I am not worthy.


	8. Chapter 8

**TO YOU**

(A Qui-Gon and Tahl romance in short installments)

by ardavenport

**/\\v/\\v/\\ We Touch /\\v/\\v/\\**

I enter Qui-Gon's room in the med center. I have not been there for six days.

I hear familiar movement, a boot thump. Obi-Wan and Leona are there. Someone says my name. I go to Qui-Gon's sleep couch and I touch his arm. He is sitting up. My fingers lightly glide upward to his neck and head. I lean forward, my fingertips lightly touching his cheeks, and I kiss his forehead. There are other sounds of movement behind me. I breath on him and I lower my head. My cheek grazes his.

"Thank-you," I say in his ear. I pull away and my hands slide down to his shoulders.

"Tahl," he says in a weak whispery voice.

Then I feel his hand on my arm. He is using the Force to move. His hands still have little strength, but he does not need strength for a caress.

Leona and Obi-Wan make more noises. They have stepped back. They are watching.

"He's doing a lot better, today," Leona says.


	9. Chapter 9

**TO YOU**

(A Qui-Gon and Tahl romance in short installments)

by ardavenport

**/\\v/\\v/\\ He Asks /\\v/\\v/\\**

Yoda now comes to see Qui-Gon. Yoda uses a float chair and hobbles about with a gimer stick on arthritic arms and legs. But when he fights, when the Force flows through him, he can best any Knight in the Order. But Yoda is old. His limbs will not heal. They will only get older. When he lets go of the strength he draws from the Force, he hobbles away.

Qui-Gon is not young, but he is young enough. Through the Force, damaged cells and nerves learn to heal.

I sit with Qui-Gon. He squeezes my hand, lifts his arms, bends his knees for me. The exercises do not exhaust him anymore.

And he speaks.

His voice has been absent for so long I had forgotten how much I missed it. It is rough from lack of use, but his speech is clear and un-slurred. Though he always sounds tired and. . . . aged.

"How is Bant?" he asks.

I smile. "Very well," I answer. We spoke of her the day before. Bant visits Qui-Gon sometimes, but not as I do. She comes most often when she is with Obi-Wan, after they have trained together. Obi-Wan comes to this room as often as I. There is something else in his question.

"Master Yoda suggested that you and she may be ready to return to service," he says. I freeze, my hands on his raised arm in the midst of his exercise. Why would Yoda speak to Qui-Gon and not to me about this? Qui-Gon lowers his arm.

"I think we are," I answer. Even simple Jedi mission can be dangerous, with the risk of not returning. We knew, when we pledged ourselves to each other that there would be separations. But I can clearly remember the day on New Apsolon when I begged him to stay. If I died on a mission, my last thoughts would be of Qui-Gon, left alone. My hands slide over his arm and cover his wrist.

He is watching me.

"Yoda also thinks that you might take Obi-Wan with you."

Now I am surprised. This is about Obi-Wan? I feel Qui-Gon's hand move under mine and I take it.

"He has not been out of the Temple since I have been injured, Tahl. He has said nothing, but he is . . . . restless. To be a Jedi. Caring for me should not be his fate." He sounds worried.

I suddenly see what he hesitates about. With me. He is afraid that I will think he is sending Obi-Wan to protect me. Or perhaps he does want Obi-Wan to protect me and he fears I will object. I think of the past, when I left on all those solo missions, without Bant. Before I knew her as I do now. Yes, I realize, it is time for us to do more than study and train together. Past time. To be a Jedi.

I shrug. "Well, if you think he can. . . . . keep up with us. I suppose we could let him tag along." I sigh a bit too theatrically.

There is a baffled silence for a moment before I can almost hear his smile and his hand squeezes mine. This feels like the first time I have teased him in a very long time. It is.

"I think that you will find him very capable," he assures me.


	10. Chapter 10

**TO YOU**

(A Qui-Gon and Tahl romance in short installments)

by ardavenport

**/\\v/\\v/\\ He Heals /\\v/\\v/\\**

Bant and I and Obi-Wan go on a simple mission. And another, and another. Each time we come back Qui-Gon is more like himself, stronger. But. . . . he is also becoming his new self. The marks of his injuries remain deep inside him and always will. He remakes himself around them.

We are together now, in this familiar room in the Med Center. Obi-Wan and Leona lift Qui-Gon up between them. He has stood before and walked with the Force as his strength, but now he will walk on his own. With help.

Three sets of footsteps shuffle on the floor with much grunting and heavy breathing sounds. He no longer needs the Force to move. He is using only his body now. They are moving toward me. I am Qui-Gon's goal to reach.

"You sound clumsy, Qui-Gon," I tell him to spur him on. "Are you sure you have done this before?"

"I am. . . .doing quite well. . . .thank-you," he pants.

I grin. Then I feel the warning in the Force. The impulse to act. I dive forward and there is the muffled thumping of bodies colliding, rapid fumbling and feet sliding.

My hands catch Qui-Gon's head as he falls. We are all on the ground.

"Master?!" I hear Obi-Wan righting himself and then I feel his presence next to me.

"Qui-Gon?!" Leona is near.

My hands support Qui-Gon's head and I feel him turn. He is looking up. My hands, enmeshed in his long hair, also cradle a special warmth that I feel reflected on the skin of my face.

"Qui-Gon?" Leona is checking him for injuries, but I know he is not hurt. He is just looking up at me. I know he is smiling. I should drop him. But I don't want to.


	11. Chapter 11

**TO YOU**

(A Qui-Gon and Tahl romance in short installments)

by ardavenport

**/\\v/\\v/\\ I Find Him /\\v/\\v/\\**

Qui-Gon has begun to leave the med-center while I was on my last mission with Bant and Obi-Wan and two other Knights. The mission took longer than any of us wanted, so we are glad to return.

Obi-Wan and Bant find Qui-Gon in the Room of a Thousand Fountains. I am with them. The air here is fresh with living things, but I can tell that it is still an enclosed environment, that no wind ever disturbs this peaceful garden. I am surprised that he came so far away from the Med Center, but Bant tells me there is a float chair nearby.

Bant whispers that he is meditating. The Padawans do not want to disturb him. But I charge forward. I have memorized every path in the garden. But I do not know about the lump of ground that Qui-Gon is apparently sitting on.

My foot jams into the sudden incline and I stumble forward. My hands out, I catch myself on the grass. I am on my knees.

"Hello, Tahl," Qui-Gon says in a friendly tone above me. Now I know exactly where he is.

I grasp a handful of robe and yank hard. And he tumbles down on top of me.

He flails his arms to keep his full weight from falling on me, but I am covered by his robe and our Padawans panic. They separate us. There are no injuries and I admonish Bant for fussing over me. Then I tell her to fuss over Qui-Gon since he needs it.

Qui-Gon laughs. I have missed that.


	12. Chapter 12

**TO YOU**

(A Qui-Gon and Tahl romance in short installments)

by ardavenport

**/\\v/\\v/\\ He Touches Me /\\v/\\v/\\**

Qui-Gon has left the med center. Obi-Wan accompanied him to his room. It must have been a long slow trip if Qui-Gon really insisted on walking the entire way. He is stubborn enough to do it.

Qui-Gon has also begun lightsaber training with Master Yoda. But if they both insist on walking the halls together all the time then they really won't get much done.

I touch the panel outside Qui-Gon's room. The door opens and I enter. It feels like every other room as I follow the inside entryway wall with my hand. But Qui-Gon is inside this one. All my senses detect the long disused space, the stale scents that are now renewed by his presence.

"Tahl."

I know from the tone of his voice that we are alone. His voice is always different, lower, when we are alone. So, is mine. His arms go around me and my arms go around him. We press together in a long slow embrace.

Our lightsabers poke each over in opposing hips. We draw back a little.

"I pledge myself to you, Tahl", he says softly.

"I pledge myself to you, Qui-Gon," I say into his hair. "I feel the same as it was when we first spoke these words."

He chuckles. "I am not the same as I was then. I am weak Tahl. And old."

I can not deny that his voice quavers with the sound of age now. And he is thinner. I stroke his beard. It is still long.

"And my hair is gray, Tahl."

I smile. "I cannot see that." I lay my head on his shoulder. "You are still you." My hand rests on his chest. "And we all age, Qui-Gon."

He is still sad as he holds me.

"When I lost my sight Qui-Gon, I claimed to accept it, but I didn't. I pushed away any kindness because I was so afraid of pity. But you never did, and your injuries were so much worse than mine."

"It is hard to push anyone away when you cannot move," he tells me.

"But you were never angry, Qui-Gon. You were just you." I move my head closer. I breath on his neck. "That has always been your strength, Qui-Gon." I do not know what will happen next.

"Tahl," he whispers. "I. . . . cannot." His voice is heavy with sorrow. At first I do not understand.

Then I do.

I was there for his recuperation. The slow progression of teaching his body to heal itself as best it could. Arms and legs, hands and feet, shoulders, back, neck. But the. . . .manly parts of him were not included. Not that I know of. Technically, there would be no need. For that. It certainly would have been difficult to explain to Healer Leona why _that_ part of him would need to be exercised. Would Obi-Wan understand that request? Possibly. He is a man now, but I know Qui-Gon could not ask.

I am embarrassed for being so thoughtless. Really, I should have known.

I take his hands and clasp them between us.

"You are still you, Qui-Gon. And I pledge myself to _you_."

He lifts my hands and I feel his lips on them. Then he guides me into his room. I really do not know what will happen next.


	13. Chapter 13

**TO YOU**

(A Qui-Gon and Tahl romance in short installments)

by ardavenport

**/\\v/\\v/\\ I Hide /\\v/\\v/\\**

I wake up, but I do not move. I enjoy lying there next to him. I suppose it is early. He does not wake for a time while I lie there playing with the ends of his hair under the blanket that covers both of us.

Jedi sleep couches are not meant for two. But he is thinner and I have always been slender. If we don't move too much neither of us will end up on the floor.

He stirs and sighs. My arm lies across his chest and he gently strokes my skin.

He tenses.

"Obi-Wan," he says.

I hear the noise outside. Sense the presence.

He leaps up, taking me with him and he pushes me into the fresher. The door closes.

I stand still in the room. The air feels chilly.

The door opens and I throw my hands up in a preposterous gesture to cover myself. I am assaulted by my clothes being flung on me. My boots and most of my other things thump at my feet. The door hisses shut again.

I wait. My tunic slides down off my shoulder.

My lightsaber is still next to Qui-Gon's, on the stand next to his sleep couch.

But the door stays closed, and now I hear another person in the room. Muffled footsteps, muffled voices.

Very alert now, I hear the faint sound of footsteps leaving.

The door slides open again.

There is only Qui-Gon now. My arms are folded across my body.

"What do we do now?" I ask.

He has no answer.


	14. Chapter 14

**TO YOU**

(A Qui-Gon and Tahl romance in short installments)

by ardavenport

**/\\v/\\v/\\ We Meet /\\v/\\v/\\**

I walk with Bant. She always follows me, on my right, one half step behind. Sometimes, if there is something important coming, she will speak softly, tell me of a particular person approaching or waving, or describe what a group might be doing in the distance.

"Master Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan are coming down the stairs to meet us," she says.

"How do they look?"

"Master?" Bant is surprised. I rarely ask for what she sees.

"Their faces. How do they look?"

"Glad. They are smiling."

I feel them draw near. There is the very faint sound of a float chair. Apparently, Qui-Gon does not wish to try his Padawan's patience today.

"Tahl," Qui-Gon says, as if this was the first time we had met that day.

"Master Tahl," Obi-Wan says, as if this was the first time I had met Qui-Gon that day.

"Qui-Gon. Obi-Wan." I incline my head toward them. And smile back.

"Master Qui-Gon. Obi-Wan," Bant says, as if this was the first time she had spoken to Obi-Wan that day.


	15. Chapter 15

**TO YOU**

(A Qui-Gon and Tahl romance in short installments)

by ardavenport

**/\\v/\\v/\\ I Live /\\v/\\v/\\**

Obi-Wan carries me. Bant's lightsaber hums and hisses behind us, covering our retreat. Obi-Wan's feet pound on the walkway. But there is no more blaster fire and we reach safety.

The ship is intact.

"Go!" I command as soon as my body touches a seat. Obi-Wan and Bant go forward and the ship under me rumbles to life. I feel only a trace of acceleration from the rapidly adjusting repulsors as we flee upward into orbit. I hold myself in place. I have not attached the safety straps and my hands cover the wound on my leg. There is blood, but I have stopped most of it, my hands and the Force pressing down on the wound. The pain is already a separate thing in my mind from the events around us.

The ship lurches back and I slide precariously close to losing my seat. But really that is not very important. We are all on the ship, safe now. We are in hyperspace.

Bant is immediately at my side. I cannot fault her for hovering over me. I am wounded. Our diplomatic skills were not sufficient to contain a room of people who truly wished to kill each other. There were a few who preferred compromise to bloodshed. But they were the first to be slain when the vibro-knives and blasters came out.

Bant has numbed my injury and I hear a faint hum of a sterilizer. But I do not feel Obi-Wan's touch. He is still in the pilot's seat. He tried very hard to find common goals for all sides, but this feud was too complex and heated for his emerging talents. He did very well, but I feel the bitter disappointment in the young man.

"Has he moved?" I ask Bant softly as she finishes covering my wound.

"No," she breathes back. I nod and touch her slender hand, still resting on my arm.

"Bring him back here."

Bant goes forward and a moment later Obi-Wan is crouching before me and asking about my injuries.

I wave that inquiry off. "This was not your fault," I tell him. I know the words mean nothing to him now, but given time, they will.

"Yes, Master."

"I see I shall have to have a word with Qui-Gon about you letting go of your guilt." The joke falls a bit flat. The silence from him is disheartening. "For now, please don't dwell on it. We will review everything soon enough when we reach Coruscant." I turn toward Bant. "Both of you."

"Yes, Master," they both answer. I sigh and let Bant adjust the seat to make me more comfortable. Obi-Wan wanders forward.

I shall have to have a word with Qui-Gon. About more than Obi-Wan.


	16. Chapter 16

**TO YOU**

(A Qui-Gon and Tahl romance in short installments)

by ardavenport

**/\\v/\\v/\\ We Are Together /\\v/\\v/\\**

I know immediately when Qui-Gon is looking at me. He is by the door, while my wound is treated. It will take a few days to heal, but there is no permanent damage. There will not even be a scar.

He comes forward as the care-givers withdraw. Our Padawans' worry over me has diminished, but now Bant and Obi-Wan audibly fidget. Obi-Wan's presence is heavy with silence. Bant's robe brushes the floor as she moves sideways. They move together before their sounds recede toward the door and then they are gone.

"Tahl." He speaks, his tone is the essence of kindness. His forehead touches mine. I frown and pull back and feel immediately ashamed of rejecting him. We knew this could happen. Would happen. I am frustrated and unprepared anyway. I meant to speak to him about Obi-Wan, but those thoughts are drowned in my memories of when I begged Qui-Gon to live when he was injured.

He sighs and his beard brushes my temple again. Tears run down my cheeks. I reach and grasp the long strands of his hair falling down over me and wipe my face with them. He chuckles when I wipe my nose.

Compassion without pity. I am speechless. It has always been there.

He sits on the edge of the medical couch. His arm slides behind me and supports my shoulders. I sigh and lean next to him. I would like to lie with my whole body next to his, but even we cannot manage this narrow medical couch and my injury would be between us. I must wait for that, the time when we can lie together.

"Would you forgive me, Tahl?" he asks. "I did not sense your injury, your peril, until I was told, when your ship returned."

I reach over to him and his hands catch mine. Our fingers intertwine.

"Only if you will forgive me, Qui-Gon. If I die," I tell him.

He squeezes my shoulders.

"You will have to do the same for me." His mouth is close to my ear.

"I will."

He happily sits with me. And I lean on him.


	17. Chapter 17

**TO YOU**

(A Qui-Gon and Tahl romance in short installments)

by ardavenport

**/\\v/\\v/\\ We Pledge /\\v/\\v/\\**

I have been on many more missions with our Padawans. Some of them for long separations. We knew this would be so when we pledged ourselves together. And our Padawans are maturing. We are both proud of Bant and Obi-Wan.

When I return from a mission, Qui-Gon is always stronger. But he no longer improves in his body. It has healed all it can. He walks slowly and carefully about the Temple. But when he uses the Force, he is more than he was before. He trains with Yoda and the other senior Masters. And he trains them.

We are more careful when we spend a night together. But those occasions are few and precious.

He comes to my door now. I wave toward the activation switch and it opens. He comes in, comes to me, but stands apart.

"I have had a very. . . .strange conversation about attachments with Master Yoda and Master Thalqui," he tells me, naming two Council members.

I feel a chill inside me. I think of the many missions that the Council has assigned to me. And our long separations seem more significant. Of course, they know. They must.

Our Padawans know. . . .of our attachment. Bant and Obi-Wan walk lightly around us, so that whatever they do know remains wordless.

"Do they know?" I ask. I extend my hand and he takes it carefully.

"No. . . . .but only because they do not ask."

I move closer to him, close enough to feel his body heat, his breath on my brow. I place my hand on his chest and he clasps my hand between us. I feel a delicate balance tipping, between us and the whole Jedi Order.

"What did you say to them?" I wonder why they spoke to Qui-Gon alone about us. No one has spoken to me about Qui-Gon. Not for a very long time.

He lifts my hand. He touches his lips gently to it, one knuckle at a time. But I am not reassured until he speaks.

"Since they did not ask, I did not answer. Master Yoda said that he has seen many different degrees of attachment in his lifetime, not all of them forbidden. That life itself could be thought of as an attachment."

I begin stroking his beard with one finger. I move closer so that my hand, still resting on his chest, is trapped between us.

"If they did not wish to ask, then why did they speak?"

He shakes his head slowly and I feel his hand caressing my face.

"I pledge myself to you, Tahl." I feel his breath on my brow. "I can accept separations. I could accept death," he continues softly. "We serve the Force. But I cannot be forbidden to see you. To touch you. To be with _you_, Tahl."

My fingers caress his lips as he speaks and then they slide up to his eyes. He is smiling and I sense the peace within him.

We have avoided speaking of this. We freeze together after every near discovery of our intimacy. We hide together in the shadows until each intrusion passes. Then we never speak of it though our hearts briefly share the same terrifying uncertainty. But now there is only this moment.

"I pledge myself to you, Qui-Gon," I answer. "If that is forbidden to Jedi, then we already are not Jedi. I feel what you feel, through the Force, Qui-Gon."

He embraces me and my arms go around his neck. There is no fear, only this.


	18. Chapter 18

**TO YOU**

(A Qui-Gon and Tahl romance in short installments)

by ardavenport

**/\\v/\\v/\\ We Know /\\v/\\v/\\**

We are still careful. Though we are at peace with our unity, we will not disturb others with it. Our Padawans still avoid us at times, but they are more casual about it now.

No more Council members have approached either of us. The Council still sends me and our Padawans on missions. They even sent Qui-Gon with us on one, his first time outside the Temple since New Apsolom. We all do well, though we do have different opinions about the motives of our hosts on the small moon we go to. We find that Obi-Wan and Bant are more upset to see us argue than we are about our disagreement.

Now we have returned and stroll together on the roof of the Jedi Temple, under real sunshine on little used walkways. I feel it differently when I am with Qui-Gon. I feel it within me, like the Force, a glow that I cherish more than any sight.

My hand curls under his arm. He pretends to lean on me and I feign letting him lead me. No one has ever said anything to us on these walks. Everyone in the whole Temple knows that I never allow anyone to lead me and Qui-Gon will not lean on anyone now, even Obi-Wan.

I hear footsteps and we stop together.

"Master Thalqui," Qui-Gon says, identifying the unfamiliar steps to me. We both bow.

"Master Qui-Gon. And Master Tahl." His voice is high and pleasant. He has no scent and he stands perfectly still, making no sounds of motion or gesture. "It is a pleasant day."

"It is. I am often surprised that more people do not avail themselves of this place," Qui-Gon answers.

Thalqui makes a noise of air whistling out. "Duty makes such opportunities difficult to find." His voice turns sad. "I have found my own burden of duty. . . . difficult to bear, of late." Thalqui does not say anymore.

"I regret that you are so pressed. If I may be of service to you, I am available," Qui-Gon says politely

Thalqui chuckles. "You should not make such an offer lightly, Master Qui-Gon. For I may ask for something."

"May?" I ask. I immediately know what he would ask. Qui-Gon's arm moves. I smile because he does not know yet.

"No," Thalqui says. "Will. Master Qui-Gon I am retiring my position from the Jedi Council and I have been asked to nominate a successor."

"I would be happy to assist you in this choice, of course," Qui-Gon responds.

I put my head down on his shoulder and grin. How could anyone consider nominating anyone so dense to the Jedi Council?

Thalqui chuckles. Obviously he can see me grinning. I have a firm grip on Qui-Gon's arm.

"Master Qui-Gon, I wish to nominate you as my successor," he explains.

I feel Qui-Gon freeze. "Oh."

Now Qui-Gon understands.

"I do not expect an answer now. But if I may ask for it tomorrow. . . .?"

"Ah. . . .yes. Please contact me then," Qui-Gon manages to reply.

There is silence. My head is down, my forehead still on Qui-Gon's shoulder.

"If you are accepted, there would be very little time for walks such as this, Master Qui-Gon."

I know this is true, but I still want to laugh with relief.

Thalqui leaves us alone.


	19. Chapter 19

**TO YOU**

(A Qui-Gon and Tahl romance in short installments)

by ardavenport

**/\\v/\\v/\\ We Live /\\v/\\v/\\**

Our Padawans are very proud when Qui-Gon is appointed to the Jedi Council. It is an honor, of course. But it is a duty. I am often on missions and Council deliberations take much of Qui-Gon's energy.

He has been sent to represent the Council in some things, but the rest of the Council was not always pleased with the results, so he usually fulfills his duties at the Temple. The Council, missions, training our Padawans and many more things fill our lives.

Is this how the Jedi Order deals with attachment like ours? By crowding it with the living? Masking it with duty so others are comfortable pretending that it is not there? If so, then the Order is much more clever than we. Perhaps this is why there are so few Jedi who have left the Order. Those who formed attachments were. . . .accommodated this way.

I feel Yoda watching us sometimes when I meet Qui-Gon after Council meetings. Other Council members watch as well. But Yoda's scrutiny carries with it a tone of acceptance that is also regretful. I do not think that Master Yoda supported Qui-Gon's place on the Council. But accept it he does.

I now lie next to Qui-Gon in my room. He sleeps. He is weary. But content. I know that when I return from a mission with my resources low that he lies awake while I sleep and caresses me. At least, I have dreamed of it. I decide I will ask him later what he dreams of.

My hand caresses his skin and he sighs in his sleep. And I think that I really do not need to ask.

**/\\v/\\v/\\v/\\v/\\ END /\\v/\\v/\\v/\\v/\\**

(This story first posted on tf.n -- 23-June-2007)

**Disclaimer:** All characters and situations belong to George and Lucasfilm; I'm just playing in their sandbox. 


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